Dances with Felines

So I met a gal last weekend. I met her at the workless party, a masquerade dance that my friend Olympia got me to go to. I certainly wasn’t complaining about going out with Olympia, as she is hot, single, and lives with 3 other hot single women. So I went to this party with Dallas and Keel in tow to meet Olympia, downing half a two six of gin on the way. Then once inside, I downed quite a few beers to boot. So suffice it to say, I got hammered. I danced all dressed up in my work duds with a rad ass mask that I spent the whole day finding. I spun poi , spun staff, juggled glow balls, watched the live acts and had all kinds of fun. Then the next thing I know I’m dancing with this chick. Being shit faced I only had vague recollections of what exactly happened. I remember making out with her on the dance floor, I remember losing my friends, I remember leaving with out my coat, and I remember getting a ride home in her Mercedes. Oh and did I mention I didn’t have my glasses? Ya, so being blindingly drunk coupled with actually being blind left me with less and a vivid memory of how this gal actually looked. I mean she wasn’t horrible, no matter how trashed I am I usually have some kind of standards, but I have no way to know if she was a 6 or a 10.
So the next morning I am filled with a sense of hope and curiosity. I wasn’t sure how to get my head around the whole not knowing what she looked like. Was this chick a super cute gal that I could really get to know? Or was she something dredged from the deep turned siren with the help of my trusty beer goggles? There was only one way to find out. I had to agree to see her again. I called my friend Dallas for some worldly advice and he laughed his ass off at me. But he did impart one tid bit of information. “Why don’t you just make her add you to face book? That way you can back out of the meeting if she is a dog.”
Genius! What a great way to find out what she looked like. So I made the call. After the initial awkward 30 seconds of recognition and the light banter we agree to go out. She sounded good on the phone which is a plus, and she told me she was only free Tues this week due to work, and a working girl is always good thing. Less expensive. So we decide to set the date for Tuesday. Finishing up the conversation I ask her, “why don’t you add me to face book and we can chat in the mean time?”
“I don’t do face book, I just don’t like having my life broadcast out there for everyone to see. It’s just not my style.” she responded.
Just my luck! God damn it! I couldn’t believe it. Now I was back to the same problem, no clue what she looks like. But screw it I figure, I’ll go on the date and have fun either way.
I set up the meeting at the coffee shop down the street from where I work. I figure it’s a good because I know the owner and can chat with him while I wait, it affords only one entrance which I could watch for someone who would recognize me, and with no set plans as to the local of our date I could either take her to a cute Mexican place down the street or one of my favourite bars for drinks. Looks permitting of course. So I set my self up at the back of the shop and chat with the owner Dave while he works, watching everyone who comes in. I start to notice a worrying trend though. As I sit I prepare to greet every single female that walks in the door. This is mainly due to the fact I still don’t have my glasses. Not only do I not recognize this girl, but I also cant see anyone who walks in! I sit back with worry and try to puzzle my way out of this predicament. But fortune would have it that I wouldn’t need to solve this problem. My phone rings.
“Are you pretty much done with your coffee? If you are you should pop outside and I’ll pick you up. That way I don’t have to park.”
Perfect! I can just jump into her car and there is no recognition problem at all!
“You remember what my car looks like right?”
Shit!
“Uhhh no, what kind of car do you drive?”
“Hahahaha, you don’t remember much from that night do you?” she responds with laugher.
Oh I forgot to mention that during our phone conversation I asked her the same things I asked her the whole night while plastered. What do you do? Where are you from? If you were a super hero what would be your super powers? You know, the usual questions.
“Sorry! I was really tanked.” I said laughing.
“It’s a silver SUV, I’ll be there in five.”
I hung up the phone and collected my things to stand by the side of the road and wait. She pulled up, I got in. The moment of truth. I looked over and was surprised. Not at her looks though, she was pleasing enough to the eye, nice long hair, pretty eyes and a great smile. But what I was surprised at was that she was a total cougar! She was definitely older than me. Not bad to look at mind you but quite a bit older than me. Time for drinks I thought.
I drag her to the bar down the street, getting lost on the way and making her walk through Kerrisdale between 4th and 1st in high heels. If you don’t know the area, the whole place is one big hill at about a 60 degree incline. I was laughing the whole time, she was swearing. Just a note for all you out there. If you ever want to go on a date with me, bring your walking shoes. You will usually need them.
We sit down, have some drinks talk back and forth and find out about each other. She seems really nice, she’s a conservational biologist, and works for free in a group that produces local musical talent among other charitable acts. She is also loaded, she owns three places, two in the states and one in Coal Harbour (an expensive area) which makes her seem very well put together. All in all a super cool chick. Only thing is the age issue.
We wrap things up and she drops me off at home. No promise of meeting up again, just a “give me a call” good bye.
Just another encounter with a cougar.

Back

I havent been posting for a while because I havent really been out dating. I also have been super stressed with work to the point of not writing. But things are settling down(as they always do in the winter) and I should be going on dates and posting more of my stories. I got another one to post that happened to me just last week. Enjoy.

Security Girl

One of the most interesting and scary situations I have gotten my self into while out on my dating exploits was the time I met Karren. This was back right when I first started clubbing. I had just turned 19 and was starting to explore the club life. Going out with friends that lived in my neighbourhood, to a second class club, thinking I was cool.
So I had been a regular at this club for a while and continued to have zero skill at picking up girls. But I liked to drink and dance like an idiot, so I always had fun. But one time a girl approached me (which I now recognize as a warning sign of crazy) and I was absolutely thrilled. We danced all night and left the club together. I walked her home which was right down the street and we exchanged numbers.
She called the next day and we made plans to hang out. We spent all of our time in her apartment, which was far messier than most guys’, fooling around and watching movies. This went on for about 2 weeks until she had something she wanted to talk to me. Karren sat me down and told me that she loved me and wanted to marry me, have children and move in together. Of course me being 19 I was shocked at such a proposal. I told her I was far too young for such a serious relationship. To which Karren told me she was getting older and running out of time, she needed to settle down. I said “You couldn’t be THAT old. Your just getting worked up and ahead of your self.”
But oh no, I was wrong!
“I am 35; I am starting to get old.”
“Thirty five?! Wow…”
I was totally taken by surprise. This woman didn’t look a day over 25. But she was 16 years my senior and looking for a very serious relationship.
As I was grabbing my cloths off the floor I said, “This is really weirding me out. I think I’m going to go now. Please don’t call me again.”
She started crying and begging me to stay but I was so freaked out I just bolted and went back to my neighbour hood to tell my friends about the whole experience. If only the experience ended there.
It first started with phone calls. Karren would call me at least 10 times a day and usually at night when I was trying to sleep. Almost always drunk, and always pleading me to come back. The calls persisted for a few days and then stopped. I was glad it seemed over.
But it wasn’t. Karren then started showing up at my house, when she didn’t know where I lived. Buzzing my door for HOURS on end, crying, and begging me to accept her back. This of course pissed my mom off to no end and after my failed attempts to make her go away my mom lost it, went down stairs and screamed at her to fuck off. She got spooked and left me alone, for a while at least.
The problem I find with stalkers (I have had a few) is that they don’t think like normal people. They feel justified in their threatening and scary actions because they have some twisted belief of love. No matter how much you tell them to go away they usually don’t get the message unless you are very, very, clear with them. Unfortunately this was my first encounter with a stalker and I had no idea how to handle the situation. I tried reasoning, I told her to leave me alone, and I said that I don’t want her around me. But unfortunately this was all to no avail.
That was when she started showing up at my work. She would talk to my coworkers and boss and tell them that she was my fiancé. Once I found out about this I told her to cut it out and leave me alone. Something in her head finally snapped and she started getting mad at me. She left me threatening phone calls and notes on the door to my apartment building. Then, she showed up at my work (thankfully it was my day off) and started raving at my manager. She told him to bring me out of the back and that she knew I was hiding back there. My manager tried to calm her down and make her leave the store, but she was having none of it. She pulled out a knife and threatened my manager who then called the police and had her taken away.
Of course, coming back to work, everyone was talking about me and my manager wanted to know what exactly was going on. I explained the situation and he promised to keep her out of the store. But luckily for me everything was over. She never called or showed up again.
Two years later I had a job at the air port where I had to pass through security every day. Guess who was the security guard on duty? Karren. Thankfully she pretended to not know who I was despite her accusations of suspicious behaviour that got me searched every day. I spent 30 mins of each morning with all my possessions strewn on a back room security table because of that girl. What a world…

Weirdness from a friend

So I met a girl over the past week that is starting to stack up against my list of S's. I attended a birthday party for a friend Kat that I had gotten with in the past. She was always a advocate of casual sex and I certianly wasn't going to argue. But I'm shifting into looking for a relationship so I cut the random encounters out. She became more distant but we were still friends so I got an invited to her party.
I showed up and took it easy on the drink while watching everyone get more and more enebriated. As conversation continued and everyone asked eachother how they knew Kat we came to the dawning realization that she had quite litterally slept with everyone in the room. Granted it was a small gathering, about eight people, but I was shocked. No so much at the fact that she had slept withe every single person in the room, even the girls, but at the fact that she had dated none of them. Doesn't this girl ever date?
Anyway after being throughly weirded out and watching multiple guys try and maul my friend I was gearing up to leave. But then I got introduced to her best friend Ren. The only person in the room that hadent slept with Kat. She is smart single and sexy so I sat around talking with her for the rest of the night. We really hit it off and wound up in eachother's arms on the couch, where now due to the change in my plans I planned to crash. That was when things started to get a little bit odd.
Kat had taken the host of the party to his bedroom and was screwing him senseless at the top of her voice while me and Ren tryed to hold up a conversation over the racket. Once she completed her nocturnal encounter she proceeded to come out into the living room and just sit and stare at me and Ren. She wouldn't go away dispite both of our atempts to send her back into the bedroom. She started breaking down and crying and wouldn't explain to us what was wrong. She then demanded to be driven home by Ren, to which Ren couldnt argue being her best friend and all. We traded numbers and called it a night.
Now I am not stupid. I realize that Kat must have some kind of weird feelings for me to freak out at me being with her friend. But I found the way she handled the situation very strange... I just suppose I'll never understand women. But at any rate I managed to score a date with Ren and we are going out this weekend. Hopefuly Kat stays home.

Pork on the First Date

I have another notch to add to my dating mishap champion belt;

Last week my friends set me up on a blind date, they promised she was a beautiful and intelligent gal. After much convincing and elaborate descriptions I finally relented and agreed to make the date. I called her up via the # given to me, and had a quick awkward conversation with a lady who we shall call Jane. Jane, sounded pleasant on the phone and seemed to be as just nervous as me about the prospect of a blind date. Also, unfortunately, I was strapped for funds and couldn’t afford to take her out, so I suggested that I cook us a nice meal. She offered to bring a bottle of wine for our enjoyment.
After scavenging in my fridge, all I could pull together were a pack of pork chops, some potatoes and broccoli. So I spent the 30 mins before she was to arrive preparing dinner, thinking rather highly of my domestic skills. Jane arrived, in person she was as beautiful as was described. I was pleased. Now, the door to my apartment enters directly into my kitchen, so of course the first question out of her mouth was, “what’s cooking?”
“I’m making pork chops, smashed potatoes, and broccoli.” I replied with a prideful grin.
She gave me a funny look and seemed disappointed. Then said, “I don’t eat pork chops.”
“Why? Don’t you like pork?”
“No, I don’t eat it because of my religion.”
“Ooooh… Sorry, I didn’t realize!” I said franticly trying to figure out how to stave off disaster.
Jane cocked her head and gave me a funny look saying, “You shouldn’t eat pork either.”
Rather suprised at her statement I replied, “But I don’t believe in what you believe in.”
Then to my shock and awe she said something I have never actually heard other than in jest.
“That’s because you’re a heathen.”
A heathen! She actually called me "a heathen!" I could not believe it. Folks, I am not a fan of organized religion. I am tolerant of it as long as you aren’t shoving it down my throat, but I don’t subscribe to any brand of it. So in complete shock my automatic response was, “Well you’re an ignorant bitch.”
To which Jane turned and left the apartment. Luckily she left the bottle of wine behind, because I really needed a drink after that encounter.Luckly she had good taste in wine and my pork chops were amazing!

All in all it was about a 3 min date that ended with us exchanging verbal blows. I will just have to always remember, never cook pork on a blind date!!!

The 5th S?

So upon some reflection and talk with the few people that I will admit to writing these stories, I realized I should have named my blog the 5 S’s. The fifth one being straight. I have unfortunately encountered this problem before and it not a fun experience. One minute everything is going great and the next minute your girl is trying the grass on the other side of the hetero/homosexual fence. This story is not about a specific date that I have had but it’s about a relationship I had.

At the end of my high school year I was dating this cute Asian girl for about 4 months and we had plans to go to prom together. Little did I know she had different ideas about who she would take to prom.

At the same time I was becoming really good friends with this lesbian girl in the grade below me. She was one of the weirdest individuals I have ever met, the perfect example of a chauvinistic male but in female form. One of the people when you meet you are completely convinced this person was born of the wrong sex. To illustrate this point I’ll refer to the time that I had literally see her pull her pants down and take a piss on a moving bus because she thought it would be funny. Certainly something a stupid teenage boy would do, although not something I ever did my self.

So about a week before prom my girlfriend told me “we needed to talk.” The dreaded words. I went into the conversation expecting the worst but I was not prepared for what I actually heard. She told me that she was in love with both my friend and I and that she couldn’t choose. I of course being hurt and confused by the whole situation told her that if her interests lay in that direction that she should explore them, and left the relationship. That was when things went from bad to worse.

We had previously planned to go in the same limo with all my friends. The only problem now was that she wanted to take her new girlfriend in the same limo. I relented and allowed her to take my spot but was scrambling for a date. Luckily I found a cute girl who was in a special dance program. It didn’t allow her to be in school often so she had been passed up for prom by everyone and was looking for a date.

Prom its self was a nightmare. I was not a good dancer and in hind sight, to be partnered up with a (now) professional dancer was not a good call. I bumbled around and made a fool out of my self until she got picked up by a drunken coked up jock right in front of me. Perturbed I went outside for some fresh air only to walk into my ex with her new gal pal making out. I turned around went back in, stole the micky of vodka my friend was drinking, and left with out another word to anyone.

I woke up the next morning to a sprinkler going off next me accompanied by one of the worst hang over I have ever had. I walked home in my wet suit and vowed to never go dancing with anyone who plans to do it professionally again.

My Last Date

What inspired me to write this blog was the last date I went on. It was a very confusing night. I had this girl I met through a friend over for a home cooked meal and a bottle of wine. The beginning of the night was perfect, good food, good talk, and good wine. But things began to fall apart as the night progressed. We began to make out a bit(among other things) and something in the girl snapped. I thought she was enjoying her self but she started to freak out telling me that she was no worthy to be in my presence, that I was so real and she was so fake, and that everything she said that night was a lie. She got so worked up that she eventually just dropped what she was saying got up and left. Leaving me dumb founded, pantless, and blue balled.

I don’t understand what makes a beautiful girl undervalue her self in such a manner. I mean if she actually was fake, her telling me that she was is far more real than a lot of people I know. We had a great night and she just freaked out. But such is life.

At any rate it got me thinking about how crazy my dating life has been and all the psycho gals I have had on my hands. So I decided to write about them. Now I have my blog.